WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “BDSM & Family/Vanilla Life” on Sunday, April 28th! Thank you to all who brought a treat or sandwich fixins’.
I want to thank everyone who shared their stories about coming out to their parents and/or friends. It’s amazing that some of you had great successes that brought you closer or found out your friends or family members were also kinky (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree).
If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.
Suggested books for coming out:
When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities by David M Ortmann and Richard Sprott
Why tell your family/friends?
- Feels like I’m in the shadows.
- Want to be open and honest about where I’m going and what I’m doing.
- Nice to share with my family/friends, it brought us closer.
Why not tell your family/friends?
- My sexuality is none of their business.
- No benefit to coming out, if you want to keep your private life private.
- It may hurtful to them because of their beliefs (religious, etc).
When sharing about your kink,
- Know your audience.
- Does the person have the skills to deal with it?
- Do they actually understand the BDSM lexicon?
- Are you doing it just for shock value?
- Are you giving them non-consensual information? Maybe they don’t want to know about your kinks.
- Be aware that the relationship may change – could become closer or farther apart.
How do you balance your kink and your vanilla life?
- Too many things to balance. Will pick up the topic of balancing at October’s Waukesha SWIPE meeting.
- Communicate.
- Keep a calendar.
- Balance is constantly changing – ebb and flow.
Running into someone from your vanilla life at a kink event is going to happen. It can be awkward. How do you mitigate the encounter?
- You both are there for the same reason.
- Introduce yourself by the name you use in the kink community. Many people use a nickname in the community and don’t want their real name used.
- Talk about it with the person.
- Negotiate boundaries and discretion.
Our next Madison meeting is May 10th, at 7:30pm – Doubt – Are you really Dominant/submissive? Have you ever doubted on which side of the paddle you need to be? How did you get passed the questioning and doubt? What if your partner came to you questioning their position in the relationship, what would you do or say? How would you help them?
Our next Waukesha meeting is June 23rd, at 6:30pm (no May meeting due to Memorial Day weekend) – Communication in Your Relationship – How do you communicate with your partner or potential partner? What are your roadblocks to communicating with your partner or potential partner? What’s your communication style? What’s one thing you could/would do to improve your communication with your partner or potential partner?
