WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Discounting Dominance/submission” on Sunday, March 24th! What a wonderful discussion and lots of people came to the meeting from around the state! Thank you to everyone who brought a treat – we had an absolute feast!
Oh and in case you were wondering, there were no bargain bins for Dominants or submissives.
Please find below a summary of our discussion. The personal stories that people share are really what makes the meetings worth coming to. It feels so good to find out that you aren’t the only one that feels that way (whatever way you feel). I will not recount the personal stories here. If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.
Forcing someone to submit:
- Is it submission or is it jail?
- Depends on if it is a scene or relationship.
Some subs need to fight and be conquered in order to feel submissive.
Some Doms don’t want the fight, don’t want to conquer.
Are you a Dom because you are capable of leading or because you are fulfilled by leading?
Are you in charge because no one pushes back?
Are you engaged in the relationship if you’re not enforcing the rules?
If you feel there’s no struggle, if you feel things are too routine or being taken for granted, communicate about it.
Trying to maintain a 24/7 by constantly micro-managing can lead to burnout.
- Negotiate basic rules, keep it simple.
- Do the rules fulfill both of your body, mind, soul, and time.
There are two parts to rules:
- Structure = rules
- Intent = the basis of the rule (i.e. be safe)
Do you follow the rule or the intent?
- Finding the loophole in the rule can be fun (bratty).
- Or it can be seen as “pushing it”.
Behaviors and actions are not dominant or submissive.
- Doing dishes.
- Cooking.
- Housekeeping.
- Bill paying.
The intent behind the behaviors and actions are dominant or submissive.
- Are you choosing to do the cooking because it brings you pleasure?
- Are you cooking because it is a part of your service?
When creating the D/s relationship, keep in mind:
- Respect the human being.
- Listen.
- Grow and learn together.
- Don’t make too many changes at once.
- Give changes time to work.
- Communicate, openly and honestly.
- Learn each other’s love language.
What if you’re an unpartnered Dominant, how do you get some of your needs met:
- You can’t just invite anyone over and have them make you a sandwich.
- Does your work fulfill some of your needs?
- Take time to find out why you want to be a Dom. What needs does it fulfill?
- Work on yourself, on your skills.
What if you’re an unpartnered submissive, how do you get some of your needs met:
- Does your work fulfill some of your needs?
- Take time to find out why you want to be a sub. What needs does it fulfill?
- Work on yourself, on your skills.
- Be a caretaker for others.
- Volunteer.
Everything is a teachable moment –> that goes both ways.
It’s important to ask the right questions in order to learn things.
Be mindful of each other.
Our next Madison meeting is April 12th, at 7:30pm – Protocol – What is a protocol? Do you have protocols within your relationship? If so, what are they? Are there protocols within the community you are a member of? If so, what are they? If a community has protocols, how do you know what they are? When protocols are broken, how do you recover from them?
Our next Waukesha meeting is April 28th, at 6:30pm – BDSM & Family – How do you balance BDSM and family life/vanilla world? What if family members find out you’re kinky? What if you find out your family members are kinky? How would you handle it?
