SWIPE-Waukesha – Synopsis of Sexuality – Sun, Aug. 25

WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Sexuality” on Sunday, Aug 25th!  Thank you to everyone who joined us and to those who brought a treat – we had a feast!

Please find below a summary of our discussion. The personal stories that people share are really what makes the meetings worth coming to.  I will not recount the personal stories here.  If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.

Notes from the Madison discussion: Sexuality

The American Psychological Association says there are three stages of Sexuality:

  • Desire – an interest in being sexual
  • Excitement – state of arousal
  • Orgasm

Psychotherapists say that if any one of these things is missing, then a person has a problem with sexuality.

We (members of the group at the discussion) say that you can be sexual:

  • With a partner or alone
  • Without an orgasm


  • Sharing energy a with play partner vs. with your spouse
  • Mental arousal
  • Spiritual connection
  • Does not need to be sexual
  • Everyone needs some form of intimacy at some point
  • Trust in your sexuality so that you can be intimate enough to play

BDSM & Sexuality:

  • BDSM does not have to be sexual
  • BDSM can include sex
  • Some feel BDSM is a prelude to sex
  • Some are just looking for sex
  • Some are looking for a form of intimacy through BDSM


  • Starts in the mind
  • Effected by your self-image
  • Be understood by your partner – communicate your needs/desires without fear

Where did we learn about sex?

  • Boy Scouts
  • Parents
  • Books/magazines
  • Friends
  • Library
  • School


Do you own your sexuality and share with others if you are bi, poly, or gay/lesbian?

  • Know your audience
  • By coming out, you’re given a label that you have to live up to.
  • Do you want to give people non-consensual information?
  • What is it going to gain if you tell others about your kink?

Does being in the kink community make it easier?

  • It doesn’t change who you are.
  • This kink community may be different than the next one.

Is there a downside to coming out?

  • Too much pain
  • Creepers
  • Vulnerability
  • People think it’s just about sex

How do you balance being open and hiding?

  • If they don’t accept you, are they worth knowing?
  • Know thy self – why are you doing this?
  • Be selective
  • Trust – different levels of trust
  • It can be intimidating

We are on a journey:

  • There is no end
  • Sexuality is fluid
  • It’s always evolving

Two places to learn more about sexuality:

Milwaukee – The Tool Shed Madison – A Women’s Touch

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, September 13th @ 7:30pm – Outsourcing – If Y/you don’t meet all of Y/your partners needs, how do Y/you discuss outsourcing?  What rules help make outsourcing successful?  How do Y/you feel when Y/your partner gives or receives outsourcing?  If Y/you are unpartnered, but are someone that people outsource to, how does that make Y/you feel?

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, September 22nd @ 6:30pm – Long Distance Relationships – Absence makes the heart grow fonder or does it?  What do you do to maintain the relationship?  How do you handle the distance and lack of physical touch?  Why engage in long distance relationships or online relationships?