WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Fear” on Sunday, November 24th! Thank you to everyone who joined us and shared in our meaty balls and cake!
Please find below a summary of our discussion. The personal stories that people share are really what makes the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie!. I will not recount the personal stories here. If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.
Fears can keep you safe.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a recommended read.
People will find wholes in your armor and exploit them.
Fear play:
- Can trigger strong emotions.
- Need lots of negotiations.
- Can cross boundaries and hard limits.
- Trust needs to go both ways (bottom or Top needs to know and say when to stop and respect those boundaries).
- Research the activity you want to do and the person that you want to do it with.
- Have a plan to deal with emotional fallout.
What do you Fear?
- Saying what I want (maybe I won’t be accepted).
- Not saying or saying something that can be used against you.
- Not knowing where my limits are because of a lack of experience.
- Choosing the right partner:
– Can I trust them to tell me their limits? – Can I trust them to not just want to please me? – Will they fall in love with me or my partner? – Are they using me or my partner to get to one of us?
- Peoples’ feelings will change – can’t control emotions; however, you can control your actions based on your emotions.
- Humiliation (body or skills).
- Losing your partner.
- Change.
- Failing yourself or your partner
- Not being able to get through a scene.
- Screwing up your reputation.
- Harming someone (mentally or physically).
- Am I a good enough bottom or Top.
- Disappointing your partner.
- Communicating.
- Being misunderstood.
- Germs preventing me from having relationships.
What do you do with Fear?
- Replace fear with awareness.
- Experience it and work through it.
- Get to the heart of the fear.
- Face your fear from a place of love. Ex. You’re afraid of heights but you’d climb a mountain to save a child.
- Separate your fear from action.
- Think about would happen if I don’t communicate my fears or have a willingness to face conflict and have a messy conversation.
Our next Madison meeting is Friday, December 13th @ 7:30pm – Mentoring – How to find a mentor? Responsibilities of a mentor? As a mentor, what advice would you give to a newbie? Working with the socially inept? What does a mentor bring to the community?
Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, January 26th @ 6:30pm – Hi! I’m new. How do I start? – If you met someone new, how would you help them to start their journey in this lifestyle? When you were new, what do you wish others would have shared with you?
