WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Hi! I’m new. How do I start?” on Sunday, January 26th!
Please find below a summary of our discussion. The personal stories that people share are really what makes the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie!. I will not recount the personal stories here. If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.
How did Y/you start?
- Friend from another site mentioned FetLife
- The Tool Shed
- Friend from polyamory group
- Boyfriend mentioned something kinky and showed her FetLife
- Found munches on FetLife
- Answered and listed ads via PO Boxes in swing magazines
- Searched Yahoo groups
What did Y/you think the lifestyle would be like?
- Read fiction books like to get an idea of what it would be like:
The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy Exit to Eden The Merry Gentry Series Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter Series Kallypso Master’s Rescue Me series Club Shadowlands
- A roller coaster ride
- All black, leather-clad, latex, and chains
- Thought it would be more sexual
- Scary, Gorean, high protocol
- Wanted to bring some of this into a relationship
- Trying to find a label and live up to it
- Lots of judgment of others (yucking other people’s yum)
What did Y/you learn?
- Playing doesn’t mean sex
- Makes it easier to talk about fetishes and sex
- It’s ok to say red; it’s ok to stop play when uncomfortable
- Have a safe word or safe action
- Have a spotter when playing with someone new (Top or bottom)
- Communicating wants and needs are easier
- Stay casual, calm, and act as if its no big deal and people are more accepting
- Find that you’re closer to people in kink than family or vanilla friends
Red flags/warnings
- Frenzy – going from 0 to 60 in 1.3 seconds – trying to experience everything in a short period of time
- FetLife messages from no profile/no pics Doms/Masters who want to collar you and don’t know actually know you or getting messages from subs or slaves that say “i’m new (take advantage of me). i’ll do anything You want.”
What advice would Y/you give to a newbie?
- Slow down
- Proceed with caution
- Build a support network or find a mentor who doesn’t want to play with you
- If you’re new, post on FetLife so you can get screen names of people you can meet at munches and talk to them
- When you play, make sure to drink water and eat
- Don’t play when drinking; it dehydrates you and can deaden senses
- Go to munches, public places to meet people
- A munch may be having an off night, go once or twice again before deciding whether it’s a good place for you
- Sometimes people who like each other have a tendency to hang out together. It may look cliquish; however, if you say “hi”, more than likely they will say “hi” back.
- Go to educational events/munches
- Watch and observe people and their behaviors
- Trust your gut
Our next Madison meeting is Friday, February 14th @ 7:30pm – Singles Awareness Day – Being Single in the Kink Community – How do you find play partners? After a relationship ends, how do you get back in the kink dating ring? How do you deal with “everyone else who’s partnered and you can’t find that certain someone”? What do you do to prepare for events alone, dealing with an empty bed, or handling drop?
Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, February 23rd @ 6:30pm – Negotiations – How do you negotiate a scene? How do you negotiate a D/s relationship? Do you need a written contract?
