WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Negotiations” on Sunday, February 23rd! Thank you to our two demo negotiators for helping us with the discussion. The negotiation demo really brought up some good points and spurred a great discussion!
Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories. Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! We will not recount the personal stories here. Thanks to @Subsprite1001 for taking notes! If some key points of the discussion were missed or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.
What types of negotiations are there?
- Scene – Pick Up Play (also called one-off) be sure you negotiate with the right individual. Does this person have a partner?
- Starting a D/s or M/s relationship
- Inclusive/Exclusive Negotiations – inclusive means listing all that you want and everything else is no, while exclusive means listing all that you do not want and everything else is yes.
- Positive Negotiations – thing liking vs. not liking.
- Whether to negotiate during scene or readjust with familiar partners – if everyone in the right head space to prevent harm to one or both participants.
Things that were brought up to assist in negotiations were:
- Will there be impact play or penetration?
- Are there health concerns or triggers?
- Are there verbal cues?
- What will be the attire, if any?
- Will there be punishment, name calling, etc?
- Are there safe words-communication skills? If using red, do you have different levels of red – be specific. This is your safety.
- Are you using teeth/biting and where?
- What about aftercare?
Negotiations mean you both are in agreement.
If in a public setting, DM’s need to know the definition of “red” as you perceive it but know that DM’s have the final word on a scene. If they say it stops, it stops. Liability may occur.
As a bottom, it is important to communicate, fancy words are not what is important. “Talk to me”. If there is too much noise to be heard, be prepared with hand gestures or visual cues for your partner, before play begins.
If you feel it is not a good negotiation, you can walk away. No damage is done. Do not get locked into believing in feelings of obligation. You are valuable and must remain safe.
Do fantasies help with negotiations? Statements like “Tell me what you like?” or “What is out there?” can cause a person to freeze. Bring out specifics to draw out ideas. There is nothing to be afraid of when you say “I have never done that before” and can be a critical statement in how a scene is played.
If a new person is setting up a negotiation, they may consider having a third party that is not invested in the scene. Perhaps a mentor or someone experienced enough in reading others to watch for things you are unaware to watch for.
Some people choose not to rely only on their memory and prefer to go into negotiations with a list. It can be used to cover things you don’t think of in the presence of someone who already creates a high emotional drive in you. This can be true in both topping and bottoming. Keep in mind also; negotiations can be met favorably in the persons approach. It is recommended that if in public play, communicate with the available DM’s or negotiate prior to an event.
If someone mocks you or does not truly listen to your negotiations, this should be sending up several red flags for you. Go with your gut. Does this person have your safety or your pleasure in mind? Finding out someone has not been listening to you is not good during the scene. You are all important.
If you are new to scening and are setting one up, there is wisdom in asking for a co-top or even seeking advice from more experienced members of the community. Also, new bottoms don’t always know if they are nonverbal while in subspace. It is good practice to check in with each of the participants in a scene, especially among new members.
Aftercare – is it needed and for whom?
- Both Tops and bottoms may need aftercare.
- Both have specific needs after such high emotions and chemical reactions to the body.
- Experienced players can negotiate their needs; however, newbies may need to be monitored.
- For newbies, sometimes the reactions are not immediately after the scene. If you are being so intimate as to play with someone, continue that intimacy to include the care of seeing to them afterwards as well. Be concerned about delayed drops.
Violations of “NO” will not be tolerated and is never an accident – notify authorities. Be clear and firm.
It takes only one voice to close negotiations. It can and should stop all activity.
Negotiations in a scene can go wrong, unknown triggers, etc. and is the responsibility of everyone involved to bring the endorphins down. Also to find out what was the trigger and more follow up with the participants may be needed.
Be responsible and safe!
Our next Madison meeting is Friday, March 14th @ 7:30pm @ Denny’s, 433 S. Gammon Rd. – Burnout/Wanting to leave the lifestyle – Ever experience crashing or burnout with the lifestyle? Have Y/you wanted to leave the lifestyle and purge all Y/your stuff? How did it affect Y/your relationship(s) when Y/you told someone? How did Y/you handle these feelings?
Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, March 23rd @ 6:30pm – Drama – How does it affect your relationship? How can Y/you avoid drama in Y/your relationship? What can Y/you do to help Y/your partner or friend going through a dramatic situation? What can Y/you do to avoid being sucked into the drama of the community?