SWIPE-Waukesha – Notes from Mentoring – Sun, Aug 24

WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Mentoring” on Sunday, August 24th!

Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories. Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! We will not recount the personal stories here.

Thanks to @Subsprite1001 for taking notes! If some key points of the discussion were missed or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.

SWIPE-Madison 2013 discussion notes

SWIPE-Waukesha 2011 discussion notes


  • To guide, set as a role model.
  • Can be done formally or informally.
  • Some can be obvious by listing specific names on FetLife as mentors and some prefer a discreet approach.

To choose a mentor requires trust. Formal arrangements are a two-way street. If a person decides to not take the advice of a formal mentor, the results of the action can reflect onto the mentor and damage his or her standing in the community. A formal arrangement is not take lightly. When negotiating on a mentorship, your local plays a roll. Different parts of the U.S. deals with different issues (i.e. California vs New York).

How does someone choose a mentor? Watching, listening, and asking questions. Communication and goals need to be expressed. To mentor requires communication.

Some people believe mentoring means controlling instead of directing. Be careful! Everyone has their own agenda and yours may not be the same as the one you are communicating with.

There has been a good rule set among many responsible mentors. It is something to consider. Do Not Play With Your Mentor!

Ask questions, explore avenues, negotiate, attend classes, and visit groups like SWIPE for the experience of meeting others who have gone through their first times. They all had the same trepidation. When trying something new, ask questions, learn from others’ failures. Be specific with your questions.

Can you be mentored by more than one mentor? Absolutely, as we grow, our needs change and so do our views. If a mentor is formally attached, they may become concerned about their own reputation. This is valid because your actions reflect on them. Is it then better to have an informal mentorship as a community? What about an apprenticeship?

As a community, you never know who is watching you and who has established you as their mentor. We lead others by example and it causes our true nature to come out. When people see true nature, they find comfort and respect. Act as if you know others are watching.

Mentors are chosen for specific reasons and those reasons change often. Therefore, mentors can change often. The community offers classes and opportunities to meet others in a safe environment.

Questions we need to ask ourselves are:

  • What is our responsibility?
  • Is the person asking the question serious about the subject?
  • Do we owe the new person anything?

When mentoring a decision needs to be made with the mentor, some people need to make the actual mistake to learn a hard lesson; therefore, they may not take the advice given to them.

It has been found, that while some feel they are in need of a mentor, others have already established you as being a mentor to others. It really is a matter of perspective. A mentor helps others to find their own answers.

Some specific ideas include:

  • Be honest with what you don’t know as a mentor
  • Do not change the dynamics of a unit

What qualifies someone to being a mentor? Can a D mentor a D? Can a s mentor a s? Some feel a s can provide mentorship to a D but not others. Does this change the mentorship? Things to consider as well.

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, Sept 28th @ 6:30pm – Social Anxiety & Kink – How do you make connections in the kink community when you have social anxiety or are shy? – If your partner has social anxiety or is uncomfortable around large groups, what do you do to help? – How do you choose which events to go to? – In a large group situation, how can others help you with your social anxiety or shyness?

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, Sept 12th @ 7:30pm @ NEW EASTSIDE LOCATION – Fear – What are you afraid of? Is fear stopping you from moving forward in your relationship? Is fear stopping you from having a relationship? Is fear keeping you from communicating openly with your partner? Is the fear of the unknown the most frightening of all fears?