SWIPE-Waukesha – Notes from ‘Responsibilities of Roles in the Community’

WAUKESHA – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Responsibilities of Roles in the Community” on Sunday, August 23rd!

Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories. Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! We will not recount the personal stories here. If some key points of the discussion were missed or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.

Please keep in mind that these notes are based on the discussion and the group that was there. Opinions and thoughts will vary; take what works for you and leave the rest behind.

SWIPE-Madison 2014 discussion

Why go (come out from behind the mouse) to a community?

  • Acceptance.
  • Learn/education.
  • Encouragement.
  • Intrigued.
  • Social.
  • Some things you just can’t do on your own (by yourself or behind a keyboard).
  • No need to hide your kink.
  • You can say “no” and it’s OK.
  • Stay because of a sense of belonging/community (here is where my people are).


  • Group leaders
  • Participants
  • Support Networks
  • Educator/presenter

— Expected to give good and accurate knowledge.
— Expected to behave appropriately.

  • Newbies
  • Elders

Leaders are real people, they fuck up, it’s how they handle the fuck up that matters.

The power of positivity: Talk about good behaviors of safe players.

What can members of the community do to keep the group leaders in check?

  • Is it an open or closed business group/event? If open, ask for financial info – where are they spending your money (if they collect donations or dues).
  • Talk to them about the group and share ideas.
  • Does leadership have some sort of accountability?

What can participants do in a community?

  • Self-responsibility.
  • Safe call/text.
  • Talk to each other about potential partners. “This what I heard…”, “Here’s my thought…”.
  • Learn the difference between a predator vs predatory behavior.
  • Choose your own mentor – your mentor doesn’t choose you.
  • Responsible for helping to make events safe so they continue to exist (There are so few as it is.)
  • Due diligence – check outside of the group that the person you’re considering runs in to see if they are considered a safe player.
  • Even if you do your due diligence and something still goes wrong:

— Don’t blame yourself.
— Talk to your support network.
— Talk to the leaders of the group, if it might effect the group.

  • Use your instinct, stick to your gut feelings.

Does being in a leader have an effect on your relationship(s)?

  • Partners can be jealous of your time not with them or your socializing.
  • Responsibilities to the group can come before the relationship.
  • If a leader dates “crazy”, that can ruin the leader’s reputation.

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, Aug Sept 11th @ 7pm – Polyamory/Non-monogamy – What are your definitions of Polyamory and Non-monogamy? If you play with others, how do you make either work within your relationship? If a couple wanted to start a polyamorous/non-monogamous relationship, what advice would you give them? If a single wanted to be a part of a polyamorous/non-monogamous relationship, what advice would you give to that person?

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, Sept 27th @ 6:30pm – The Darkest Corners: Shame & Kink – Researcher Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. barefootgal will facilitate a discussion that explores issues including: Where does shame come from? Where does it hide and how can we identify it? How does shame affect our exploration of kink, and how can our kinks help us come to terms with the shame we experience?