SWIPE-Waukesha: Notes from How to Find a Partner – Sun, July 28th

WAUKESHA – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “How to Find a Partner” on Sunday, July 28th! What a wonderful discussion and lots of people came to the meeting from around the state! Thank you to everyone who brought a treat – we had an absolute feast!

Please find below a summary of our discussion. The personal stories that people share are really what makes the meetings worth coming to.  I will not recount the personal stories here.  If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.

Notes from Madison discussions:

Do’s and Don’t’s:

  • You can try online – match.com, collarme.com, okcupid.com, plentyoffish.com.
  • Any website – people will not be true to themselves.
  • Easy to say what you want or have a concept in your head that makes it tough to come to fruition – good in theory, may not work in practice.
  • Get out into the community, munches, groups, etc.
  • Get out from behind the mouse.
  • Takes a lot of investment to put yourself out there.
  • Meeting people repetitively by going to munches, group meetings, etc consistently helps to establish yourself.
  • Bring the right attitude to meet people.
  • You will need balance and self-awareness.
  • Need to feel good about yourself and show some confidence.
  • If you’re insecure, this will give off a different energy.
  • Come into the community as a whole person.  If you come in hoping for therapy or that kink will fix you, you will be disappointed.
  • Give & take, adapt & improvise.
  • Look for a relationship/friendship before looking for a BDSM relationship.
  • Finding someone in BDSM is no easier than finding a vanilla relationship.
  • If you’re looking for that “someone”, you’ll find yourself weeding out people instead of just meeting people.
  • If you come in with expectations, you will be disappointed.
  • Having mutual core values helps the relationship.
  • Treat others with respect no matter their D/s status.
  • Treat a potential partner as an equal until the relationship is determined.
  • If you’re bad at trusting your instincts, ask for help.
  • Build a support network.
  • Don’t force someone to call you something if you’re not in a relationship.
  • Don’t try to date the fetish list.
  • Don’t get stuck on labels.

Quesitons to ask yourself or your partner:

  • Is the conversation like pulling teeth or do hours go by like minutes?
  • Is the person willing to go at the pace of the person who is moving slowest?
  • Do you play first and then create the relationship or is the relationship built first, then the play?
  • What are you willing to outsource or not outsource?
  • Do you have a level of self- awareness of who you are?
  • Do you own your own shit?
  • Be aware of the situation – does it feel good to be in the relationship or not?  If not, get out.

Red flags on male Dominant profiles for female subs:

  • Did he fill out his profile?
  • What’s on his fetish list?  Is it all sexually oriented?
  • Does he only have female submissives (most from out of state) on his friends list?
  • What groups is he in?  Are they all hook up or sexually oriented groups (if that’s not your kink)?
  • What comments has he made on posts or pics?
  • Does he have only dick pics?
  • Did anyone post on his wall?
  • Just because you may have mutual friends does not mean he’s a trustworthy guy.
  • Make sure to ask your friends – do others respect this guy.
  • Make sure he’s willing to meet you in a public place and have a safe call.

Pearls of Wisdom:

  • Finding someone takes a whole lot of luck.
  • Many people are looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
  • This is a numbers game – expect to hear “no” and have a thick skin.
  • It’s all a crapshoot.
  • If you’re in a relationship to be right, then you’re in the wrong relationship.
  • Trust your gut feelings and GO WITH THEM!
  • People are like diamonds, they have flaws and facets, shine a light on them and they will sparkle.

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, August 9th at 7:30pm VENUE CHANGE for August only Due to the fact that our regular meeting ground is booked with a vanilla event; we need to move the meeting to Denny’s, 433 S Gammon Rd, in the back room.  There will be a pre-SWIPE dinner starting at 6:30pm or you may order during the meeting.  Discussion topic:  Events – What do you look for in an event to decide to go?  What keeps you from going to an event?  What do you do if your partner wants to go but you don’t or vice versa?  Event can be defined as a munch or private party as well as a large, organized weekend happening.

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, August 25th at 6:30pm – Sexuality – What do you think of when you hear the word “Sexuality”?  How do you define your sexuality? If you considered yourself straight and then you had your first same-sex experience, how did you process it?