SWIPE-Waukesha: Notes from Communication in Your Relationship – June 23

WAUKESHA, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the Waukesha discussion on “Communication in Your Relationship” on Sunday, June 23rd!

If you want to share your experiences, please feel free to do so. If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so as well.

Madison’s discussion

I handed out some Communication articles on how to communicate in a relationship.  The websites that they came from are:

How to Communicate in a Relationship

5 Big Communication Roadblocks that get in the way of a close connected relationship

Relationship Communication Techniques

Communicating with Emotional Integrity by Dr. Phil

5 Ways to Communicate in a Relationship

Types of Communication

  • Written – text, email, Instant Message (sarcasm can be missed or misinterpreted)
  • Verbal
  • Non – verbal


  • Tendency to shut down
  • If you shut down, things can fester and get worse.
  • Anger can prohibit good communication
  • You may need to say “We need to talk about this later.”
  • Set aside time to be on equal footing.
  • If you are emotionally charged, give yourself time to calm down.
  • Some people need to take some time before talking.
  • Sometimes writing down your thoughts before talking about it may help.
  • You don’t always listen to everything because you’re stuck on the first thing that was said.
  • Don’t have distractions (like the cell phone or tv) when having an important conversation.
  • Don’t use your partner’s words against them.

How do you communicate your needs successfully?

  • Ask what the person means and their intent.
  • Make sure you’re speaking the same lexicon.
  • Be careful when you’re in frenzy, you always say “Yes” and that may not be the best answer.
  • Know to ask questions in the right way and what to ask.

Communication after a scene is as important as negotiating a scene.

  • Are you ok?
  • What was good? Bad?
  • Wanna do it again?

Communication in any relationship is based on the 5 Love Languages.  How do you express your love?  How do you receive your love?

  • Physical touch
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Words of Affirmation

What hinders communication?

  • Embarrassment
  • Fear
  • Assumption that your role in the relationship doesn’t allow you
  • Avoiding conflict
  • Lack of knowledge
  • Distractions
  • Judgment
  • Retribution
  • A gag (LOL)
  • Your environment (not the right place or time or too noisy)
  • Peer pressure
  • Language barrier

How do you break the barriers to your communication?

  • Go to SWIPE
  • Be willing to make mistakes
  • Take ego out of the conversation
  • Listen to the whole conversation
  • Keep the big picture in mind
  • Watch body language
  • Take the gag out (LOL)
  • Be patient with questions
  • Be willing to accept the answer even if you don’t agree
  • Don’t jump to conclusions or judgment until you hear the whole story
  • Use the phrases “I feel…, I understand…, I want…” or “This is what I’m hearing you say…”
  • Be respectful
  • Don’t take a conversation and turn it into an argument
  • Have Crucial Conversations by VitalSmarts

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, July 12th at 7:30pm – July 12 – BDSM & Family – How do you balance BDSM and family life/vanilla world? What if family members find out you’re kinky? What if you find out your family members are kinky? How would you handle it?

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, July 28th at 6:30pm – How to Find a Partner – Where do you look for a long term partner?  If you want a play partner, does your strategy change?  How did you find your partner?  What traits do you look for? Which ones turn you off?