SWIPE-Madison: Summary of Doubt – Fri, May 10

MADISON, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone for coming out to the Madison discussion on “Doubt” on Friday, May 10th!  We had a really nice discussion.   Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories.  Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! I will not recount the personal stories here.  If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.

Here is the link to Waukesha’s Doubt discussion

Do you doubt which side of the paddle you’re on?

  • Many people start on one side (paddle) and then, move to the other (handle).

Everyone has roles in life in which they need to take on a more dominant (mother/father-hood) or submissive (vocational – hierarchy in the job/military) role.  We are multi-faceted beings that respond to the different challenges of life.  This need should not cause a ripple of doubt in our kinky/sexual identities.

What causes doubt?

  • Lack of confidence when you begin; however, as confidence builds, you feel less doubt. Doubt my skills levels.
  • Lack of trust/consistency.
  • Question whether or not we are meeting the standards of others or ourselves.
  • Passive aggressive questioning by others “Should you be doing this?”
  • Thoughts of “I’m supposed to be like this but I don’t feel that way.”
  • Change of environment.  Comfortable one place and know how to act and where things are, then change places.
  • Have fears reinforced.

Forms of “good” doubt:

  • Defense – question whether or not the situation is good or safe.
  • Inspiration – pushes you to do better.

Forms of “negative” doubt:

  • Creating doubt in someone can be a form of bullying.
  • Crippling – “I’m not good enough so why should I even try.”

Doubts will help bring up points of conflict.

In your journey, you will go through periods of confidence and doubts.  Are you someone who keeps going or gives up?

You bring your vanilla doubts into the kink world.

In the kink world, we tend to have better/deeper communication, talk about intimate things more openly, and negotiate wants/needs.

How do you conquer doubt?

  • Trust
  • Open and honest communication
  • Acceptance
  • Reliability and consistency
  • Have our fears disproved
  • Experience

What can you do to help your partner if they are in doubt of themselves or the relationship?

  • Ask questions that make them think instead of asking for solutions – What does that mean to you?  What has changed for you?  What can I do to help?
  • Ask others for advice (perhaps, you know someone who’s gone through this before).
  • Give them time to think things through.
  • Don’t panic and scare them.
  • Take time to think things through for yourself.
  • Just listen – sometimes trying to “fix it” may not work.
  • There’s a difference between a solution and a resolution.  What you give as a solution may not be a resolution to the issue.

Our next Madison meeting is June 14th, at 7:30pm – Discounting Dominance/submission – If there’s no struggle or bending of the will or power exchange, are you dominating/submitting? If you’re perfectly submissive, it’s not a struggle, will there be discipline? Can you be a Dominant if you’re not forcing someone to submit?

Our next Waukesha meeting is June 23rd, at 6:30pm – Communication in Your Relationship – How do you communicate with your partner or potential partner?  What are your roadblocks to communicating with your partner or potential partner?  What’s your communication style?  What’s one thing you could/would do to improve your communication with your partner or potential partner?