SWIPE-Madison – Recap of Jealousy – Fri, Aug 14

MADISON, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone who came out to the SWIPE-Madison discussion on “Jealousy” on Friday, Aug 14th!

Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories. Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! We will not recount the personal stories here. If some key points of the discussion were missed or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.

You can find the previous discussion notes and articles that we talked about here: Books and Articles from meetings
Just scroll down to Jealousy – everything is alphabetical after “Hi, I’m new. How do I start?”


  • Has the word “lousy” in it because it can make you feel lousy.
  • An umbrella (mixture) of emotions:

— Envy
— Fear of loneliness, loss of connection, being replaced
— Insecurity

  • Jealousy = feelings
  • Envy = of something
  • “I’m not the one chosen.”
  • Loss of trust
  • Loss of control

What can trigger Jealousy?

  • The feeling of inequality in a poly situation.
  • Not feeling important.
  • Imbalance of energy.
  • It can happen anytime for any reason(s).

Is Jealousy healthy?

  • Jealousy is an emotion (neither good nor bad), don’t deny it. Let it flow through you.
  • It’s your actions that are healthy or unhealthy.
  • When you are high on emotions (emotionally charged), your brain doesn’t work. You don’t think clearly.
  • Have an authentic and vulnerable conversation, without fear of being accused of being jealous.
  • Nothing is wrong with being jealous – talk about your feelings, openly, honestly, and without fear.
  • Get to the root cause of the jealousy (fear of…, loss of…).

How does Power Exchange affect Jealousy?

  • Dom may decide when to have the conversation.
  • Don’t invalidate your partner by dismissing their emotions.
  • You could pull the ‘Dom card’ – “This is the way it is; suck it up, buttercup.”
  • You could set a time to be equals – to talk about the emotions/situation without Power Exchange.
  • If there are high/strong emotions, take time to let the emotions go first. Speak from a place of acceptance not stress.

Tools to help:

  • Deal with emotions first. Feel them, don’t deny them, and then, let them go. Suggested book Anger to help you deal with the emotions.
  • Find the underlying reason(s) for your jealousy (fear of…, loss of…) and work on them.
  • Process with your partner.
  • Create a journal. The journal can be used as a starting point for communication with your partner.
  • When talking with your partner, use the phrase – “I understand xxx, I feel xxx, I want/need xxx”.
  • Take the time to know how your partner communicates.
  • Draft an email BUT don’t send it.
  • Create a compersion journal. Include things like:

— What works or doesn’t work for you while your partner is with someone else.
— Happy thoughts.

  • When your emotions start to nose dive (or the hamsters in your head start gnawing at your brains), create a First Aid Kit of things you want to do alone such as a tv show or movie that your partner doesn’t like and this is the time you get to watch it.
  • Make sure you agree on what is shared or not shared when you get home from being with someone else. Don’t ask questions, if you’re not ready to hear the answers.
  • Find other supportive people. If being alone triggers the voices in your head to talk louder than the voices outside your head, you may want to have a friend or group of friends to hang with and keep you distracted.
  • Take ownership of managing your needs.

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, Aug Sept 11th @ 7pm NOTE: New time and new place – Polyamory/Non-monogamy – What are your definitions of Polyamory and Non-monogamy? If you play with others, how do you make either work within your relationship? If a couple wanted to start a polyamorous/non-monogamous relationship, what advice would you give them? If a single wanted to be a part of a polyamorous/non-monogamous relationship, what advice would you give to that person?

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, Sept 27th @ 6:30pm – The Darkest Corners: Shame & Kink – Researcher Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. barefootgal will facilitate a discussion that explores issues including: Where does shame come from? Where does it hide and how can we identify it? How does shame affect our exploration of kink, and how can our kinks help us come to terms with the shame we experience?