SWIPE-Madison – Notes from Outsourcing – Fri, Sept. 13

MADISON, Wisc. – Thank you to everyone for coming out to the SWIPE-Madison discussion on “Outsourcing” on Friday, September 14th!

Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories.  Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie!  I will not recount the personal stories here.  If I missed some key points of the discussion or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do.

Why outsource?

  • To get your needs met.
  • Safety – trying something new with someone who has the skills.
  • For a chaperone/protector.
  • Variety.
  • You can’t necessarily do everything well, just like a homeowner needs to get a plumber or HVAC specialist.
  • Exciting.
  • Learn something new (skill set or sexual).
  • Lack of equipment (maybe you don’t want to spend the money on a violet wand).
  • To experience co-topping or team topping.
  • To get your tires pumped up so that you can go home and ride the bike. 😉

How do you bring up the topic to your partner?

  • Open and honest communication.
  • Let your partner know that this may not be meant to stay outside of the relationship but to bring knowledge back to the relationship.
  • Try to mitigate any jealousy or feelings of inadequacy.
  • Keep a connection with your partner.

What problems can you run into when outsourcing?

  • Jealousy.
  • Rules are not established beforehand.
  • Extra negotiations are required.
  • Expect emotions to crop up that you weren’t expecting.
  • Loss of your partner to the outsource.
  • Choosing an unsafe outsource.

How to make outsourcing successful?

  • Get permission from your partner.
  • Set limits and expectations.
  • Review and revisit the limits and expectations.
  • Be open about potential emotions that may crop up.
  • Do your due diligence- make sure the outsource is safe (both the top and bottom).
  • Have tools in place to mitigate any emotions that may crop up like how are you going to deal with your partner’s drop or jealousy or fear of missing out.
  • Don’t think of outsourcing as a scorecard or competition between partners.
  • Talk with your partner before, during, after, and keep on talking about outsourcing until you are both comfortable.
  • Patience to wait for your partner to understand and get on board with the idea of outsourcing.
  • Make sure your partner’s needs are taken care of first (spend quality time together, sex, etc.).
  • All people participating are communicating – the outsource, the outsourcee, and their partners. Is everyone ok with everything?
  • Giving your partner the right to veto or postpone things.
  • Discuss “what if” scenarios.
  • Process your feelings before moving onto the next things.

Outsourcing as a single:

  • When your tires are pumped up, there’s no one to go home to.
  • Create a support network of friends.
  • Be aware of your needs.
  • Don’t compromise/ignore your needs just to make others happy.
  • Stick to negotiated limits.
  • Being too shy to ask for what you want or need.
  • It can be awkward being solo and playing with someone else’s partner; talk to that partner and see where their head is at.

How does it feel to outsource or be outsourced?

  • Excites me.
  • If negotiated well, things go well for everyone.
  • Talk to your partner afterward and see if it’s something they want to do it too.
  • Compersion.

What do you do when you want to find someone to outsource at an event?

  • Ask event staff who is good at what you want to learn or experience.
  • Use the message board to ask someone. (Hopefully, they check it.)
  • Send a message to the person on FetLife first.

Reasons why not to ask someone to outsource/play:

  • Fear of rejection.
  • Fear of taking up someone else’s time or that they don’t really want to play with you.
  • Exhausted or your head’s not in the game.
  • Desire not to break negotiated limits.
  • What you want to do pushes your boundaries and you’re scared to do it.

Our next Waukesha meeting is Sunday, September 22nd @ 6:30pm – Long Distance Relationships – Absence makes the heart grow fonder or does it?  What do you do to maintain the relationship?  How do you handle the distance and lack of physical touch?  Why engage in long distance relationships or online relationships?

Our next Madison meeting is Friday, October 11th @ 7:30pm – Trust – How do you gain/earn a sub’s trust?  How do you gain/earn a Dom’s trust?  How do you learn to give up control to a Dom?  How do you learn to trust your partner when playing together or when playing with others?