SWIPE-Madison – Notes from “The Darkest Corners: Shame & Kink” – Apr 8

MADISON — Thank you to everyone who came out to the Madison discussion on “The Darkest Corners: Shame & Kink” on Friday, April 8th! A special thanks to guest facilitator, barefootgal, for leading the discussion!

Thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories! Those stories are really what make the meetings worth coming to along with the laughter and camaraderie! We will not recount the personal stories here. If some key points of the discussion were missed or you want to add some additional thoughts, please feel free to do so.

Please take a look at the below SWIPE notes for more information:
SWIPE-Waukesha 2015 discussion notes

Shame is different than guilt.

  • Guilty – a response to something you’ve done.
  • Shame – who you are, worthiness, “not enough”, lose perspective of yourself, feelings can’t be rationalized.

It’s OK to feel what you feel – feelings are not good or bad, they just are. Your actions/reactions to those emotions can be good or bad.

What you can say to someone when they are self-critical or feeling shame:

  • “I understand that you feel that way and can you understand that I feel differently.”

How to handle shame:

  • Create a new norm, new & positive voice in your head.
  • Be vulnerable with someone safe.
  • Sometimes you get stuck back in the trauma – recognize it, accept it, and when you’re ready come back to the present.
  • Give it a language/lexicon using grown up feelings (more than just sad, bad, etc.).
  • Be mindful of your shame.
  • May not be fixed but you can gain power over it.
  • Give a person space if they need it; they may not be able to accept help yet.
  • Have empathy for yourself and others.
  • Figure out what you can or can’t do and let the rest go.

Shame or humiliation play:

  • How far do you push during the scene?
  • Often a sub’s “eyes are bigger than his/her butthole”.

Our next Madison meeting – Fri, May 6 @ 7pm – Labels – What do you call yourself? What do you call your relationship(s)? What do they mean to you? How do you describe yourself or your relationship to others?

Our next Waukesha meeting – Sun, May 22 @ 6:30pm – Trust – How do you gain/earn a sub’s trust? How do you gain/earn a Dom’s trust? How do you learn to trust your partner when playing together or when playing with others?